Being productive to be happy

The sleep deprived worker in me wants to sleep for another day in the hopes that I will forget whatever happened in the last few days. The patient lover in me wants to keep reminiscing about each moment, each bite, each snuggle, and each smile. It wants to keep all the moments of the last few days close to it’s heart locked away from the realities of this world.

So that it doesn’t have to think about what it was like to live. For the past few weeks, I had been at home living a life I thought I was happy living. But I recently came back from a five day trip with my partner which really put gave me perspective about all the things that I wasn’t acknowledging. The reason I moved back to my home was because in the big city I failed to make any friends and my partner had also moved out from the city. I tried going to events, engaging with my roommates and even went solo but nothing gave me a sense of comfort amongst people or even within me. The truth that I had been avoiding for so long was staring right back at me after this trip. It reminded me again of what it’s like to have fun, be heard and be loved by people who were not your family. I love my family and being with them is a new experience but the truth is I’ll probably never be understood like a friend understands you.

I had moved back home thinking that I would focus on studying for the MBA program I want to get into. Thinking that there’s no point of trying to make friends these days. If it happens automatically, it will. I was ready to put in the effort but ultimately the lack of reciprocation just convinced me that my energy was better utilised at work or while studying. Once again, I chose being productive over being happy. The only thing different this time was that this time I was aware of what I was doing. The countless times that I had done this unconsciously in my childhood was because I thought being successful would finally make people see me and want to be friends with me.

All I wanted was to not be invisible.

But it seems like no matter how much I try to reconnect with old friends or find new ones some things just can’t be forced into existence. At least thats what I wanna believe. Do i think that maybe if I had tried enough I would find some genuine friends? I don’t know. I truly felt that I gave my best shot and I didn’t have it in me to spend another weekend, cooped up in my room and having solo movie marathons, only to step out for the gym.

Life at home is similar to that. But at least I have some people around me who love and care for me. Who want to ask about my day and tell me about theirs. Whom I can convince to go out with me occasionally.

So I traded one boring and humiliating life for another boring and sometimes beautiful life here at home. It’s especially hard when your partner is also away from you working on his dreams. Because at this point they don’t have the mental bandwidth to support you on behalf of all the friends that you’re missing..they have a life of their own you know. Plus the distance makes it works.

Anyways, I feel like I’m rambling at this point. The reason why I started writing about this was to remind myself that being productive is good but being happy is the best. So my future self, go and chase your dreams but don’t break your own heart or other people’s just because being productive is the only form of happiness you know. Be patient, do your best but don’t kill yourself over a job or a degree. Don’t run away from the fact that you still need to try and make friends and stay in touch with the old ones. Don’t wait for them to reach out to you only when you do well in your life. They can hear your sad stories even the mundane ones. Trust them and trust that a job is just a job. Not some thing to take home with you or define your existence.

P.S. if someone’s struggling to make friends like me, do comment below. I’ll definitely stay in touch with you