When he doesn’t give you enough time

The past week was a tough one for me, emotionally.

I have limited friends in the city and I work a remote job so there’s hardly human interaction during the weekdays. Often times my boyfriend who lives in the city is the only person I interact with face to face on weekdays. That keeps me sane. But last week he told me that he wanted to try out some new hobbies and wanted some alone time. Though I was hesitant at first because I felt like both of us very getting enough alone time, I caved in because for past couple of weeks we had been with each other for 3-4 days continuously. So I thought he was being fair and that he deserves to have his freedom and alone time. I also thought that I was being selfish because I didn’t have a social circle so I was leaning on him too much.

Anyways so the last entire week, we didn’t meet. Finally, he told me he was coming on Friday because his brother was going to come to his house on Saturday. And he wouldn’t have time on the weekend. His brother and his wife are having their own issues. Also, his mom and dad are having their own fights. He’s kind of the ear to his entire family. The one who tries to listen and resolve everyone’s problems.

So anyway he told me that we could spend the Friday and Sunday evening together because his brother will shift to a new place. To not my surprise, on Sunday his brother couldn’t move out as the new house had issues so he decided to stay another day. And we once again had to change our evening plans. By the way it’s been more than 7 days since we’ve had any physical intimacy so I was looking forward to spending the night with him. But fate had other plans. So we decided that we’d go to dinner on Sunday and then go to our separate homes cause we can’t been seen together as his brother isn’t aware of me right now.

I was bummed to say the least because like I said I just wanted to spend a night with just the two of us. And I tried to be understanding of his situation too but I couldn’t help feeling rejected. It reflected in my body language too and we had a whole argument about this. He was frustrated because he felt that instead of being happy that he’s helping and supporting his brother during his marital issues, I’m trying to demand more things from him. That he was already feeling drained with all of his family commitments and he thought that I would understand. I tried to tell him without being judgemental of his family that I was just trying to speak up about my unfulfilled desires. And he felt like I wasn’t appreciating the efforts he did take to spend time with me.

As much as I didn’t want to, it turned into a pretty big argument. I confessed to him that his brother and parents aren’t giving him as much affection and attention and care as I do and still they get his attention more than I do. Of course I was feeling threatened too that since his brother is going to be in the city he would always want to hang out with him. My boyfriend loves his family a lot and he wants to build a good friendship with his brother. There’s nothing wrong in that. But I personally didn’t grow up with this mindset. I was never attached to my family because I was always made to feel that I was a different kid. So I survived trying to be independent and okay with my own self. I tried to build good friendships where I could confide in. He says he’s trying to build a mutually beneficial relationship with his family too because he doesn’t have friends that do that job right now.

Now I understand that families are a great support system. But I’ve never really seen one myself so that’s why it’s hard to relate for me. That’s why I don’t understand when he goes above and beyond for his family (whilst sacrificing his sleep, time, effort) that he could have given to me when his family and brother aren’t that available for him as he is for them. Of course he says that I don’t know them personally so I am being judgemental which could be the case. Or it could be that he just wants his family to be happy and together because that was his only support system growing up. So apparently he wasn’t telling me his family troubles cause he felt that I would judge his family and his attachment to them rather than just being a listener. And it was some pretty heavy stuff when he finally told me. He was crying and he felt frustrated because I was asking him to do more when all he was trying was to make everyone in his life happy. He felt frustrated that instead of backing him up, I was finding faults with him.

And I instantly felt bad about this. The last thing I want my partner to feel is uncomfortable or judged for their troubles. I surely can be wrong about his family and his endless tries of being the glue in his family but I learnt that I need to be unbiased towards them since I don’t know them enough yet. But my only fear is that no matter what, he would always choose his family over me. He insists that there are no sides but obviously I feel differently.

Wouldn’t you? I want to believe in what he says but it’s just hard coming from a not so tightly knit family. All I know is that when people don’t treat you nicely you should just walk away rather than trying to repair something because you’re blood relatives.

But still the truth is he is great person. He is good to me. He cares deeply for me and we have so much fun together. He’s the kindest person I know. The way we have grown together is immense but of course it doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. But we are getting good at resolving conflicts calmly. I’m trying to not take things personally and he’s trying to think of my needs as genuine rather than demanding. While I’m trying to be non judgemental of his family, he’s trying to give me the time that I deserve. So both of us are genuinely trying, and we can only hope that we come out stronger and better.