Should you blow up your life?

I keep oscillating between wanting to make my life right and wanting to get up and quit and not do anything ever again. I don’t know how life can be both an overwhelming and underwhelming experience.

Like this isn’t how I imagined my life to be. But I also feel that it didn’t turn out that bad. I look around at the blessings I have and I am grateful for them. But am I satisfied, and content with what I’ve done? I don’t know. I’m proud of my journey but I’m not sure if I was happy through it.

Sure, there were moments when everything was making sense. Where everything I was doing was leading up to something. A degree, a city, a life that I had always wanted for myself. But now I feel like a leaf in an ocean, driven by the currents. The leaf doesn’t have a destination, it will go anywhere the currents take it. It doesn’t even know it’s on an ocean wave that it can’t control. It just has to sail with it and trust that wherever it’s going is the place that it’s meant to go.

I’ve always imagined myself being like a protagonist in a teen drama who blows up her life over a tiny incident. I feel like I will do that someday. I thought that I did do it last year when I took a sabbatical from work and just did nothing for 2 months. But turns out you can always fuck up more and you can always blow up your life even more than you could ever think. Sometimes I just want to close my laptop, throw it out, pack my stuff and just empty my bank account and go to Disneyland or some beach in Hawaii. Just be reckless, because being careful and planning never really made me happy anyway.

Then there are other days when I wake up with a purpose. To fix my life. To fix my goals. To work towards them. But then I start to think about my goals, and I realize I don’t have any particular ones that excite me enough for more than 24 hours. it’s difficult living like this for sure. Not knowing what exactly are you supposed to do after you wake up.

It’s a new day. But it’s the same old you. Do you want to blow up your life or do you want to restart again for the 100th time? I always end up choosing the latter but always have the first one in my mind